Round 2 down and a confession

I had my second round of chemo on Thursday and it wasn’t bad at all. I worked on Friday and felt pretty good. My weekend went by without any issues and although I am feeling more fatigued today than I did all weekend it’s MUCH less so than my first round and since I didn’t have to have the $3000 shot this time my joint pain is greatly diminished also. All in all I can definitely deal with it.

Here is my confession. I thought this would be much worse. I prepared myself for a few months of hell…fatigue, nausea, hair loss and honestly it’s not that bad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to minimize what anyone going through this might be experiencing and I know I’m so lucky that my treatment plan is very manageable, but that’s just it…it’s been easy. I love how everyone is supporting me and encouraging me and I wouldn’t trade all of that for anything because it has reminded me how wonderful the people in my life are. But for the most part I’m not sure I deserve all the praise of my “courage”. I hate that I’m bald but that’s temporary. I don’t like feeling tired, but that’s manageable. I have more stuff to go through but so far nothing has been as bad as I thought it would be and I’ll get through it. 

Hopefully it doesn’t sound like I’m complaining that cancer isn’t harder. (Because that would just be CRAZY talk!) And I would never want anyone to think I haven’t appreciated all the support and care I’ve gotten these last few months. And I would never, never want that love and support to end…but I also want to ease your minds. I’m fine…better than I thought I would be. Kicking cancer’s ass is working out much better than I thought!

Vanity thy name is Angela

Not too bad.

Ever since I learned that I was going to have chemo and I would most likely lose my hair, I’ve tried to act all nonchalant, like it didn’t matter to me one way or the other. To be honest, before it started happening, I really did think I didn’t care. On Tuesday though big huge chunks of hair started coming off. I’d run my fingers through and my hand would come away with what looked to be enough hair to make a doll wig or something, and each time would be just as shocking to me as the last. It was more upsetting than I anticipated. I’ve always said that as soon as it started falling out I would just shave it off, but Tuesday night I couldn’t bring myself to do it. So I gave Jodi scissors and told her to chop it all off. We had a blast knowing that it was all going to go anyway and in the end I think it turned out pretty cute. It’s still falling out like crazy and my new sassy doo isn’t going to last past the weekend I’m pretty sure. But it’s a lot less shocking than pulling LONG wads of hair out of my head. It’s nice to know that when it starts to grow back It won’t look too bad short but don’t give up your day job Jodi!

She's a paralegal not a beautician!

 

A small portion of the hair that was EVERYWHERE!!

Turning the corner

Anyone being treated for cancer can probably tell you the main symptoms of chemo; nausea, hair loss and fatigue. All the medical people say that you may not experience all of them and that currently the support drugs are amazing and really help, especially with the nausea. Most don’t hold out much hope of avoiding fatigue though. They tell you every chance they get to take it easy on yourself, to expect to be lacking in energy, to choose how you will spend the little energy you do have and that it should last several days before it starts to get better. They pretty much make it seem like you’ll be incapacitated for a week while you recover from the treatment. So I was prepared and when it hit me, I accepted that it was just the course of the treatment and figured it was “normal”. I tried to work on Tuesday and made it until 3pm, by the time I got home I could barely hold up my head. I went to bed and slept for 12 hours. I woke up only to be wiped out by things like making breakfast and taking a shower. I took approximately 5 naps on Wednesday and in the evening my friend Jodi persuaded me to come and hang out for a while. I laid around and could barely move, I was definitely not myself. But, I thought, this is what happens…they warned me, this is “normal”. I fell into bed completely exhausted from doing absolutely nothing. On Thursday I met with my doctor and described what I had been feeling and she was quite adamant that it was definitely not “normal” and that although I would probably be fatigued for a few days I should still be able to function. I was SO relieved!! Next time she’ll lower the dosage some and hopefully the fatigue will be much less. WHEW!! After all that though, today I woke up feeling much better. I worked a full day and even have enough energy to go out with some friends tonight. I’m very happy to put that dark street behind me. I turned the corner and hopefully I won’t have to pass that way again.

I’m going to mention the donation site that was set up by my brother today. I’m still hopeful that with the new dosage I’ll not be too tired to work but so far I have missed a few days and things are pretty tight. Any help is greatly appreciated.

http://www.kapipal.com/72a0be35e21c48bd9b796f909245eee8

1 can of cancer whoop ass opened; 3 to go!

On Monday I took a class to prepare for beginning chemo and it was really helpful. She went over the chemo drugs, what they do and what side effects I might expect. With a few exceptions I found all the information very useful. I could have done without knowing that Taxotere is a mustard gas derivative but not much I can do about it now! I do like knowing what’s going to happen, it really makes everything a little less scary. The main side effects of the drugs I’m going to get are hair loss, nausea, and fatigue. The nurse assured me that the nausea is quite well controlled with the new anti-nausea meds they give and most people don’t even throw up anymore. The hair loss I’m not too concerned about, there are options there. Fortunately I’ve never been a vain person so I think I can deal. The fatigue though has me a little worried. She explained that it’s worse than any tired you’ve ever felt and it can make doing even simple daily things a chore. I don’t want to feel this way, the worst thing I can imagine is not feeling like myself. So I have resolved to take advantage of everyone’s kind offers to help. If you call me and ask how you can help, I will certainly try to come up with something specific! I’ll try to conserve my energy to avoid missing work and to have a little fun once in a while too!

Today was my first chemo treatment and it really wasn’t too bad. My friend Sally came with me and really made the 3 1/2 hours go by quickly. I don’t get to spend enough time with her and we had quite a few laughs, I think we even entertained the nurse a few times! In the chemo class I learned that I shouldn’t feel any different leaving than I felt going in and that was true. So far the chemo hasn’t made me feel nauseous although I’m a little drowsy from the Benedryl they put in my IV to help counteract any allergic reaction I might have. She told me that I might expect 1 to 2 days of feeling okay, then the nausea and possible fatigue would set in, the fatigue really kicking in during week 2 after the treatment.

I’m hoping to make it to work tomorrow after I go in for my $3000 shot. Yes, you read that correctly! No wonder there hasn’t been a cure for cancer…why cure it when you can charge that much for the drugs used to treat it??

No chance for shoulda, woulda, coulda

Today I drew the chemo card for the clinical study. I’m feeling pretty pragmatic about it actually. I mean, I’m sure that I would be kicking myself if I didn’t do chemo and ended up with a recurrence in a few years. So I have decided that this is really for the best and that because it is the best thing I WILL get through it. I’ve also decided (just to put the cherry on my optimism cake) that I will be the shining example of how to breeze through chemo with flying colors! Don’t get me wrong, I know that it will be hard and that I’ll get sick and lose my hair. But I also know that no matter the outcome I won’t have any regrets that I didn’t do everything possible to keep myself cancer free for the rest of my life.

Spinning the cancer wheel of fortune

When I woke up this morning I had firmly decided that unless the results of the tumor test put me in a low risk category I would choose to have chemo, even though I am dreading it. I was prepared to make the hard decisions but hoping I wouldn’t have to. If only it was so cut and dried. Apparently I’m in the “low intermediate” category which means that I’m about 2 points above low risk, at the very bottom of intermediate. In other words, smack dab in the middle of that infamous rock and a hard place! Unfortunately there hasn’t been enough research to know how effective chemo is for someone in my situation. Fortunately my doctor was ready with an interesting option. I can (and will.) participate in a clinical study to determine the long term effects of chemo on people in the intermediate category. I’ll still have radiation and hormone therapy but whether I have chemo will be randomly determined. If I do I’ll still have my same doctor, and she’ll determine the course of treatment. If not I’ll begin radiation and hormone therapy right away. The study will monitor me and after 10 years my info will be used so that women hopefully won’t go into this decision blind. It’s actually the first thing I’ve done in all this that made me feel really good. My getting cancer isn’t completely pointless after all, maybe I’ll actually help someone someday.

It’s all about the spin

Let the record show that all in all I think 2009 was pretty darn good. Let’s take a look at why I think so. First, I am living in a place that feels like home to me. I’m close to my family and to some of my best friends. Then, after a few false starts I found a new job with a great company that I love. I get to work with some of the kindest, most generous people ever! I deepened my bond with three amazing women, without whom I can easily say I would not feel the way I do now. I reconnected with people that I knew in the past. I had missed some of them so much and in getting together with them it was like we never lost touch. With some of them I found new connections and I value the friendships that have formed. I also met some people that very quickly became an important part of my life; somehow both widening my circle and pulling it closer. As you can tell, the people in my life are the most important thing to me, it’s because of all of you that I can look back on the year with some semblance of sanity.

It’s true that the end of 2009 found me battling the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to deal with, but even cancer added something of value to my year. Because of cancer I learned that I’m a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. And that good friends and a lot of laughter can make anything bearable. I’m pretty proud of the way I’ve dealt with this so far and as crazy as it may seem…I’m looking forward to everything yet to come, and finding out what it has to teach me.

So bring on 2010…the year I kick cancer’s ASS!!

Hey! Who moved the finish line??

So far on this journey, hoping for the best and preparing for the worst has worked out well. I’ve been happily surprised by very good news and haven’t had to deal with many of the fairly common horrors of cancer treatment. Today I found out that my easy ride may start to get a little bumpy. I met with Dr. Tiffany (My oncologist) she was very pleased with the outcome of the surgery and I went to the appointment expecting her to set up my radiation treatments and hormone therapy but she had other ideas. Don’t get me wrong I’m still (and always) going to be optimistic but there was an awful lot of talk about chemotherapy at this appointment.

Right now, based on my stage, the fact that the cancer is highly hormone receptor positive (a very good thing.) and that the tumor is a category 2 (which means it isn’t your average, everyday tumor.) she would be inclined to recommend chemo. Fortunately we have the option of testing the genetic make-up of the tumor itself to find out the best course of treatment to have the most positive outcome. It sounds scary, and I was really, really hoping that I wouldn’t have to have chemo. But I really, really, REALLY don’t want this to come back. Looking at the big picture; no chemo could mean 17% chance of recurrence…doing chemo could mean less than 8%. Of course no one can predict whether it’s going to come back or not no matter what I decide but I can’t sit idly by and hope for the best if there is something I can do to cut that percentage in half! My willingness to endure yucky, nasty treatments is greatly bolstered by my desire to be DONE with cancer!

More waiting for me…sigh. In two weeks I’ll find out the results of these tests, so for those who are optimistically minded you can hope, hope, hope that the test results will come back “low risk” and all of this will just be something we discussed and didn’t have to do. No matter the results I’m going to fight this with every weapon I can, no holds barred and no fear.

I love it when a plan comes together!

I’m not sure I can call wishing and hoping a “plan” but all the good vibrations that everyone has been sending out into the universe have done their job. Today I found out the results of my surgery. According to Dr. Dayton they still did not find any cancer in my lymph nodes, and the margins around the lump are clear! Basically this means that I won’t have to have any more surgery! She did an awesome job and I’m sure she won’t be offended that I did a little happy dance when I found out that I won’t need to see her again for six months!

The next step is up to the oncologist, she may want to further test the genetic make up of the cancer itself to determine the chances of recurrence. This is different than the one to test for the cancer gene. This could possibly mean chemotherapy but I’m willing to face that if it means I could be completely done with cancer when it’s over. After that it’s radiation and then hormone therapy and then I can officially call myself a cancer survivor!

I just want to take a moment to thank everyone for being so supportive. I don’t have a single need that’s not being met right now. I have a wonderfully supportive and helpful family who are taking the best care of me. I have the most amazing friends who keep my spirits up and let me know that I will never be alone. I have incredibly generous and thoughtful coworkers who have relieved my stress so much, and made coming back to work something I could look  forward to, not dread. I also want to thank each person who has donated to my living expenses fund. You might not think it was much, but because of you I was able to pay all of my December household bills which is a HUGE load of worry I can set aside. “Thank you” doesn’t seem to quite cover how deeply I appreciate the people in my life right now. Because of all of you, I can look at my life and without hesitation, honestly say that I’m the luckiest person I know.

Hope wins!!

The first thing I asked when I woke up in recovery was, “did you find any cancer in the lymph nodes?” Happily, I got the ideal answer! No cancer in the lymph nodes and only a 5-10% chance that they will find it later. This means that I most likely won’t have to have chemo!  On top of this very good news I was relieved to find that my pain level is much, much lower than I thought it would be. Today though I did a little bit too much moving around and learned that I DO have a limit. I just feel so much better than I expected that I want to get back to my normal life! I’ve promised that I will take it easy and I will all weekend…I’d really love to be back to work on Monday!

I have an appointment to get the results of the surgery on the 10th, although I got the best news today it’s not completely over. They will continue to run tests and will give a full  biopsy report including staging and I will have to have radiation. I could still have to have more surgery if the margins (non-cancerous area) around the lumpectomy are not enough to ensure that it won’t continue to grow. For now though, I’m going to bask in the good news and how great I feel!

I want to thank everyone for all the good vibes, prayers and positive thoughts that I very much felt surrounding me and holding me up. I know I say it every time, but I don’t think I can say too often how incredibly blessed I am.